This December I will be 30. My partner (Barno) is already one and a half years 30. Just like heterosexuals, gays also have to deal with the
quarterlifecrisis. What do we want with our lives? What do we want to achieve? If one of us was a woman, she probably had rattling ovaries. There would be a planning when we should stop with birth control, to get pregnant at the desired time.
Gaycouples often don’t dare to answer the question if they want children. You can try it as a gay couple as often and as hard as you want, but becomming parants the natural way is not going to succeed.
Despite this natural limitation, we still have rattling testikels. We want to have Gaybies and we want to move mountains if we have to.
As soon as you discover as a boy/man that you are gay at the same time the dream to become a dad scatters. Alomost nobody realizes this and even less people pays attention to it. To be accepted by yourself and by your environment is your biggest concern, you don’t whine about your scattered wish for children.
Do lesbian couples not have the same issues? It is biologically impossible to to become jointly a child’s biological parent. However, becoming parent as a woman is relatively easy. The same applies to straight couples where only the man is infertile. There are several relatively easy ways to find a spermdonor. There are clinics (in the Netherlands there is a waiting period of 1-2years), but it is also possible to ask a friend to be a donor and it is allowed to search for a spermdonor on the web.
There are also other options to become a parant. Like adoption, co-paranting (for example with a lesbian couple) and foster paranting.
All of these options above have thoroughly been reviewed and disccused by Barno and me.
Regarding foster parenthood, nothing more than praise and respect for couples who are committed to this. However, we have come to the conclusion that we have not been born for this and we cannot give the care and attention to a fosterchild it deserves.
The co-parenthood with a (befriended) lesbian couple isn’t an option for us neither. Firstly we do not know a lesbian couple and secondly-at least as important-it seems almost impossible for us to be on the same page when it comes to raising children as a couple. This would be to difficcult with a second couple involved (2 Captains is tricky, 4 captains seems impossible).
For us adoption would be the best of the three options. As a gaycouple it is only possible adopt a child jointly in the United States and South Africa (domestic adoption in the Netherlands is rare). Adoption procedures in these countries are very expensive and costs a lot of time, it isn’t an exception if a procedure takes 5 years or more. This are 5 years in uncertainty, because an adoption procedure can still be terminated at the last minute. In addition, it isn’t possible to adopt a newborn baby if one of the parents is older than 40 years. It is because of the reason we are getting a special family situation, that Barno and I have decided that we will only see our family as complete if we are at least with the four of us. If we would start now and everything goes well, we would manage this deadline. But there is also the risk of ten years uncertainty a lot of costs and still no complete familiy.
Finally, there is the option surrogacy and egg donation. In The Netherlands commercial surrogacy isn’t allowed. In the quest for a surrogate it is forbidden to publicly place a call. The only option would be, if there is a well-known volunteer to be a surrogate mother for our child. Unfortunately, we do not know anyone who would want and/or can be a surrogate for us. And again, the question arises as to whether we would like to have possible desired involvement of the mother in the nurture of the children.
Fortunately, the world is becoming smaller and surrogacy isn’t regulated in all countries in the same way as in the Netherlands. For Example, regulation in the United States, Mexico and Canada are much broader and it is much easier for gay couples to find a surrogate mother who want to bear their child. In these countries, agencies provide (the search for) a surrogate mother, an egg donor and they facilitate the IVF treatments needed to make a pregnancy. As an intended dad, you only have to worry for healthy sperm and enough money to cover the expenses for the egg, the surrogate mother, the agency and all medical treatments.
Why is this not possible in The Netherlands and why is this even banned over here? Is this a type of child trafficking? These are questions that have concerned me for a long time. We talked and thought a lot about this and we came up with the following answer:
Barno and I are a loving couple with a good and loving base. We have the opportunity to give a child a warm home. We are capable to give the love that a child needs to grow up healthy and happy. In addition, we will have to deal with all difficulties and worries which a straight couple also have to deal with.
As for the money. I would rather not talk about that, because money and children are, as far as I am concerned, concepts that do not may be associated. However, it is difficult for gay couples see this things seperatly. Where commercial surrogacy isn’t allowed in The Netherlands, adoption is. An adoption procedure however, is just as expensive and there a lot of organisations who are making profit of adoption procedures.
With the above considerations, Barno and I have come to the conclusion that we’d like to become parents. We want to fulfil this desire of becoming dads by a surrogate abroad. In this blog I want to take you step by step in the process, our considerations, our struggles, but hopefully also in our hapiness. With this blog I want to inspire, inform and entertain other couples. Finally, it is hopefully a nice story to read for our future kids.
Finally, everything I write in this blog is my own opinion and how I see things. I don’t want to hurt anyone or run over someone else’s feelings. If this happens, then I apologize in advance.